I used to think leadership meant clearly stating expectations. Then my son refused to take out the garbage and changed everything.
Kids aren’t deliberately difficult; they simply see the world differently due to their limited experience and perspective. A simple parenting moment became an unexpected masterclass in leadership communication.
My middle child, Ben, has always held an intense belief in fairness, matched only by his steel-trap memory. Fairness matters deeply to him.
One evening when Ben was around nine, we had a memorable conversation:
"Hey Ben, can you take the garbage out, please?"
"No. I’ve taken the garbage out the last three times—it’s Abby’s turn."
"Excuse me? You’ll take the garbage out because I asked you to."
"NO!" he shouted, promptly retreating to his room and refusing to talk to anyone for hours.
Initially, I was frustrated. Why was he being so defiant? But once I calmed down and reflected, I realized something essential—Ben wasn’t resisting authority; he was standing up for his truth. His older sister Abby had gymnastics most evenings, leaving Ben to handle garbage duty more frequently.
While I believe children should listen to their parents, I also recognized something important: we should listen to them, too.
The next time, I approached the situation differently:
"Hey Ben, could you take the garbage out?"
"No, I’ve done it the last three times—it’s Abby’s turn."
"You’re right, bud—you have taken it out more than your share lately, and I appreciate that. Unfortunately, since Abby isn’t home most evenings, it often falls to you. I still need your help tonight, but I’ll make sure Abby takes care of it this weekend when she’s home."
"OK Mom, I’ll take it out."
Turns out, his resistance was never truly about the chore itself. It was about fairness. Acknowledging his reality and validating his perspective was all it took.
What began as a simple parenting moment quickly became a powerful lesson in leadership communication. From that point on, we began having broader conversations about fairness and how it differs from equality. Ben, now twelve, still notices every imbalance—but he’s learning to navigate his deeply held sense of fairness within a world that isn't always fair.
Here’s the thing—validating someone’s perspective is not agreeing to their terms. It's giving them permission to be heard. Leadership, like parenting, means pausing your initial reaction to understand why someone responds the way they do. When dealing with conflict—whether with a child or an employee—ask yourself:
Because the most powerful shifts in communication happen not when you speak louder, but when you listen deeper.
When was the last time changing your communication approach created an immediate shift? I'd love to hear your story.
Gratefully,